YOU LIKELY HAVE IN YOUR POSSESSION A PRICELESS GEM, IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES TO HAVE BEEN GIVEN ARTWORKS DURING TIMES OF PERCEIVED “MADNESS”.
“Healing is not always a ‘quick fix’, healing is a constant, a clearing away of the toxic layers we hold on to, often through fear, unknowing of the magic that healing brings. Yet, crises bring an opportunity for us to BREAKTHROUGH!
My dear husband asked if I will share a little of his story. It really is no fun living in the mental ‘ill health prison’ of your mind. Then to be ridiculed and ostracised by the ignorance of others whose perceptions of the surface layer see other than the reality of the truth that lies beneath. It takes great courage to bring yourself back, time and time again from the brink and I applaud, and thank my husband for having the strength to step forward and tell a snippet of his story…’from channelled healings, amazing artworks emerged’. Copyright ©LAT/AJ ‘OH YES…I AM I AM’ 50×40 cm
There have been times when I have picked my husband up off the street, lost in utter confusion, in what appears to others as a drunken stupor but in reality is actually a paracetamol or morphine-induced semi-conscious one-sided paralysis. Alan’s battle with society’s perceived ‘ism labels’; his fears; the complexities of extreme PTSD; anxiety and depression through to finding hope on the healing path show so much his great strength and endurance. All he has ever wanted is to be at peace.” – Jenny Tollinton (Sadly, less than a handful of artworks ever sold, laying dormant waiting to be discovered, and a business he visioned and created never made it, all spiralling Alan down into even further depths of despair.)
ALAN – THE PAIN. THE ANGUISH. THE DESPAIR. THE SOLUTION.
This is part of my story. I can tell you all there is hope. I have always been a private person regarding my problems, but I do feel for myself and many others they should hear some bits of my story. Reluctant as I have been, I feel no shame in my journey.
Of course, I love my wife, however I shall tell you about what she has to live with, my demons and battle with alcohol, and the fears, anxiety, depression that inevitably follows, and the most amazing spiritual awakening through healing and wellness coaching. This is a tribute to my wife, the healing process and the understanding that change is possible.
At face value I am a kind and inventive person, but when stress comes to the fore I turn to the bottle, then a change will come over me. I become a snarly creature who makes no sense at all. Fear at first overtaking me, not understanding this dramatic change of character, the pain, anguish and despair like a child lost in the woods, then come my night-time terror fears. I could not help myself, I watch my wife cry tears of love and sadness, the guy she married, a bumbling idiot having to be hospitalised loads of times.
And when I stopped the shakes the shivers, then the trembles overwhelm me. I could only weakly hide from the real world too ashamed to ask Jenny for help. Healing to me was meant for others not me, I was OK.
Again, and again I continue to have my benders, and the roller-coaster of madness continues as I head towards a spiritual and human death. I will myself to come over to the bright light of humanity and spirituality. Though I have accepted energy clearings many times, at my very worst still I hide from Jenny emotionally and spiritually. Remarkably one evening in August 2014 I asked for help and like a baby, she put me to bed, gave Reiki healing, placing a rose quartz crystal in my hand. Then the truly spiritual moment arrived. https://emergingproud.com/2017/03/04/brave-alan-tells-us-how-an-intense-spiritual-awakening-opened-him-up-to-a-new-talent-and-a-new-way-of-being/
After this from nowhere came over 100 pieces of artworks that emerged. I have only ever drawn stick man type drawings in my life, where and how did this happen, I did not know. Of course I had a choice but I ran off course with it all. In 2016 I had a complete nervous breakdown and subsequently lost my home. I still drank, and my spiritual and physical health became worse. I went to many support groups and I fully understand and accept that there are many people who suffer like I did – lost in the wilderness, filthy clothes, unshaven in tatters, smoking dog ends off the street, being homeless in a b&b sleeping on a urine-stained mattress yet thankful for a roof over my head, using food banks, and many times wandering aimlessly, waiting to die.
I never give up on Jenny’s intuitive sense, of the healing and wellness coaching that she offers in those dark moments. I am alive today because of these unconditionally given healing’s. I trust her and plead that she help guide me through my journey. In the end I trust her, the universe and her good sense to know how to help bring me back to life in the full sense.
I hope that my life continues in a happy and proportionate way but I am fully aware that I’m probably at last chance saloon and the gates of hell await me if I don’t continue on the path. Its tough out there in the real world and whether we’re trapped in various problematic areas such as low self-esteem, weight problems – if you dig deep you just may reach the goals you seek. I meet many wonderful people on this journey of recovery who show me kindness always, now I need to be kind to me.
There are loads of gaps in all of this because my ill health overtakes my capacity to remember, filled with confusion and desperation to be well. There are not many partners out there who are willing to put themselves out there and stay the course, a testament to our love. I’m not ashamed of what happened to me, it’s more a tribute to my wife and a message of encouragement to others.
In short when you reach out and receive unconditional love from people who don’t judge you but wish to help you, you cannot measure the inner feeling of joy. Wholeness cannot be truly lost if you have faith, trust and belief. I am alive today because I am now learning, and to those who think there is no hope after relapse, after relapse, please, know that there is.